I wanna be something when I grow up!

When you are born expectations are already set for you. You're not even 1 year old are you larger than average? Smarter than your peers... walking first? What are your first words? Then as you get older you find out that you put your own expectations on yourself to make others happy. Like when you eat all your dinner on your plate and you are praised! Oh yeah all those lima-beans are gone... woo hoo! Yet we have to re-train ourselves as we grow up not to eat everything in sight. Expectations of you are a nice girl so you should marry someone that will take good care of you, have 2.5 children in a nice neighborhood and be happy with what God gives you. Then when you wake up (for me it was BEFORE I had the kids) and realize the country club lifestyle isn't for you, what do you do with your head that still is the devil on your left shoulder telling you that you failed all expectations! Damn you and your ideas of independence and freedom? Your need to help others and not be tied down by an egotistical control freak? I just sat with my glorious therapist (best one in a while that I've found... after the last one just said "get over it") and we talked about how can one get past the expectations of others and really think about what is important to us? Why is settling into a relationship and making it work so important and why my heart aches when others are not happy. Happy with themselves, life or something they've done.
There is a blank page in my journal. This freaks me out. Hard to decide what to put on that page because of the expectations I have placed upon me, others have placed upon me and I just don't want to let anyone down. So do I do something to help ME grow or please others. These are the questions that roll in my head like a gerbil on a wheel.

where is my arrow?

ok so here it is nikki...thanks! for making me cry. inside as to why? well when I was a little girl my "arrow" died. she was scared just like you... what direction to take next. there were three kids depending on her now, husband that didn't know how to be one, and all the questions and passions of life she had in her head beating her up. how I wish it was a question of sweater or yummy wine. how I wish I'd been an adult for her to talk through her pain and wrenching in her heart. but I wasn't and she left me, my little sister and little brother. later my therapist gave me a book that said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and I've been mad at her ever since.
telling you this why? well funny thing... when we met at the center for women and you boldly came out of your shell to talk about your passion... you reminded me of her. Well, my memories of her. don't know why... maybe because I've read your columns, quotes and editorial comments for so long and really "bonded" with your sense of humor that's what really helped. When the article about Rose was in there... she was my Mom's best friend! I was in the airport crying... calling my Dad. all these things.
And here I am. Waiting for that same damn arrow. The arrow I wish I'd had when pregnant at 19 and my Step-mother made me give it up. The arrow I needed and no one could show me when I was in an abusive marriage and needed like hell to give it up.
So do me a favor my words friend.... if and when you find your arrow... please share! my heart aches for one. bless you!xo