I'm an expert in the little things...

Stamen in the flowers, barnacles on the shells, eyelashes on the puppy, sunlight splashing across the oak trees, moss growing on the fence, hand written notes, flowers left on your counter, the little things in life that give peace in your heart. Over the past 37 and a half years I have been very aware of the little things. How the special parts of every day life make a difference when you talk about them, help them out, photograph them, and point them out to those who are moving to fast to notice. My heart is full when it recognizes the little details, remembers them and brings them out in a positive way for my family and friends. When I am helping my Grandmother pick out a suit for my little brother's wedding, when I am making a special plate with the footprint of my niece, or when I am photographing that special moment that no one else saw at an event where something glorious is taking place I am crafting my expertise in little things. Nothing feels better than when you remember that little something that makes your favorite people have a happier, easier and peaceful life. All of this helps me to realize, grow and be comfortable in this life I never can seem to control.

I wanna be something when I grow up!

When you are born expectations are already set for you. You're not even 1 year old are you larger than average? Smarter than your peers... walking first? What are your first words? Then as you get older you find out that you put your own expectations on yourself to make others happy. Like when you eat all your dinner on your plate and you are praised! Oh yeah all those lima-beans are gone... woo hoo! Yet we have to re-train ourselves as we grow up not to eat everything in sight. Expectations of you are a nice girl so you should marry someone that will take good care of you, have 2.5 children in a nice neighborhood and be happy with what God gives you. Then when you wake up (for me it was BEFORE I had the kids) and realize the country club lifestyle isn't for you, what do you do with your head that still is the devil on your left shoulder telling you that you failed all expectations! Damn you and your ideas of independence and freedom? Your need to help others and not be tied down by an egotistical control freak? I just sat with my glorious therapist (best one in a while that I've found... after the last one just said "get over it") and we talked about how can one get past the expectations of others and really think about what is important to us? Why is settling into a relationship and making it work so important and why my heart aches when others are not happy. Happy with themselves, life or something they've done.
There is a blank page in my journal. This freaks me out. Hard to decide what to put on that page because of the expectations I have placed upon me, others have placed upon me and I just don't want to let anyone down. So do I do something to help ME grow or please others. These are the questions that roll in my head like a gerbil on a wheel.

where is my arrow?

ok so here it is nikki...thanks! for making me cry. inside as to why? well when I was a little girl my "arrow" died. she was scared just like you... what direction to take next. there were three kids depending on her now, husband that didn't know how to be one, and all the questions and passions of life she had in her head beating her up. how I wish it was a question of sweater or yummy wine. how I wish I'd been an adult for her to talk through her pain and wrenching in her heart. but I wasn't and she left me, my little sister and little brother. later my therapist gave me a book that said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and I've been mad at her ever since.
telling you this why? well funny thing... when we met at the center for women and you boldly came out of your shell to talk about your passion... you reminded me of her. Well, my memories of her. don't know why... maybe because I've read your columns, quotes and editorial comments for so long and really "bonded" with your sense of humor that's what really helped. When the article about Rose was in there... she was my Mom's best friend! I was in the airport crying... calling my Dad. all these things.
And here I am. Waiting for that same damn arrow. The arrow I wish I'd had when pregnant at 19 and my Step-mother made me give it up. The arrow I needed and no one could show me when I was in an abusive marriage and needed like hell to give it up.
So do me a favor my words friend.... if and when you find your arrow... please share! my heart aches for one. bless you!xo

every window tells a story...

little blue boxes and white satin ribbons OH MY!

there is this store... the one I've never been in on 5th Avenue in New York City but pressed my nose to the windows. the gifts come from famous designers and prestige in ownership. I love tradition, well made trinkets, classy gifts and precious moments sealed in a tiffany blue box. Sometimes life would be easier if I could wrap the times up in one of the many blue boxes I've collected over the years... I have the blue box, ribbon, the felt pouch that comes inside. I could easily tuck them inside to protect, look on them with glazed eyes and keep them at a distance. Why do I have so many boxes? so many personalize tiffany items, antique brooches, and a few rings? they were all purchased by me. Wanting the dream... the life in the window display at Tiffany's.

maybe one day someone will give me that dream and buy me something and hand it to me in a little blue box....... hey! a girl can dream.

strong lonely tree

I found a wonderful tree on etsy (my new drain on finances and time searching through thousands of artists) and I related. I mean here was this strong, colorful, fluffy (I feel fluffy lately) and precious tree. Yet she was all alone in the field. Alone below the clouds as the world passed her by. So I related to this tree... I remember that my therapist and I had a revelation this week. I don't have to be needed to be loved. However, I equate the two so strongly that I have panic attacks when I am alone. I fill the time doing things for others. I worry why no one calls me all day as their lives are sure to be made better if I am fixing it for them. Wouldn't they want me around to help out when they cannot get to everything. I do not have to be needed to be loved. I think I'll say that a few times and have a glass of wine and a nap.

who wants to play soccer?

As I was driving down the road, don't know if I was in the Bimmer or the old Jeep, I saw a Mom and her kids pulling out onto the road heading somewhere. To a game, a park or the beach? It didn't matter. It hit me in the face like a tennis ball thrown at my dogs: I want to be a Soccer Mom! I want my day to revolve around getting my husband off to work, the kids fed and dressed then their day planned out with magnificent adventures. Sure sure I know that the SM Life is not what it's all cracked up to be. They have problems, right? Like how to get the youngest to quit taking off their clothes and running around naked in public. Problems like I didn't feel like cooking tonight so I'll order a pizza and have a beer on the porch while my kids swim in the pool. They have problems with not feeling adequate and needed by their peers? I want that. I am tired of working in a career that after a decade will just go away because they changed some laws. I am tired of paying a mortgage, electric, cable and phone bill just to do it again next month all alone. When I get up in the morning I have a bunch of wet noses to feed, exercise and poop. Then I work for someone else doing other things and worrying that I wont have a job tomorrow. When you are a SM you get a full time job no matter what! You have a direction, goal and plan for lives that rely on you, love you (even when they are pissed) and look to you for direction for the second, the month or even their entire lives. Imagine that! Of course when I want to take a vacation I can turn off my phone, computer and hopefully (usually not) my mind so I can rest. I guess SM's don't really ever get this opportunity but I wouldn't want it. I want to be wanted 24/7 and not worry that Super Soccer Mom will ever go away. Now I find myself closing in on 40 with not a glimmer of SSM hope. A girl can dream...
(Photo above is of a proud Aunt that is jealous of her soon to be SM Sister)

I'll get around to one of these days...

What are YOU avoiding?

Avoiding is such a strong word... I prefer ignoring? or delaying. there are so many things in life that I prefer to delay. The big discussions with those I care about are usually what are delayed until I almost burst. Why can't I tell my sister that the name she chose for her newborn causes physical pain and anguish in my heart? Why am I avoiding telling my "roommate" that I need more attention, dedication and physical contact like a boyfriend one day hopefully finance should give? Then there are the piles of stuff around the house. How much can I take before I whirlwind around like the Tasmanian Devil trying to put it all away. Catalogs of things for others, magazines of plans to make, dog fur piling up in the corners. Phew... I think I'll go take a nap.